nickervision.com

REDDIT AMA RESPONSES 22/09/11

2011-09-22T14:07:00.000-07:00

Here is a video I recorded to respond to some of the AMA questions on this reddit article.
I own and operate an internet/gaming cafe AMA (REDDIT)

This AMA was in response to the overwhelming questions to this other Reddit post which gave a picture I made over 600,000 views in one night. WOW!
This is what happens when I am bored at work (REDDIT)

TO LOCK OR BE UNLOCKED 20/09/11

2011-09-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

It annoys the hell out of me when I am trying to let someone into my car and they lift the door handle at the same time I unlock the door. It is usually a simple solution to get the door properly unlocked, that is, if it wasn’t for the fact that after it didn’t work the first time both the person waiting outside and I are trying to constantly open or unlock respectively. This leads to a constant repeating of the same problem. Since windows are not open it makes proper communication with the person extremely difficult. Most orders wind up being mouthed to each other to stop. It fucking pisses me off and I usually end up yelling at the person for being such an idiot. Obviously I am just as much to blame for the idiocy but fuck you anyways.

Of course I have a shitty car with zero power options so it is not a surprise that crap like this happens frequently but why the hell can newer cars not resolve this issue? I still have the same goddamn problem on new cars, even with power locks this fucking shit occurs. Whew, I am really angering myself while typing this. I really need to seek help.

PHOTOSHOP BOREDOM 20/09/11

2011-09-20T18:56:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get very bored and during these periods I tend to do stupid things. So I present some boredom invoked photoshops of myself and others. Ugh. I need to get a life.

CHAIRMEN MAO (15/09/11)

2011-09-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

I had a dream several nights ago and it has stuck with me for some reason. I was working secretly for Chairmen Mao. For reasons unknown I was in the process of helping research, develop and test explosives. This is by no means an area of interest of mine, so it is quite shocking for my brain to dream up this bizarre circumstance.

Despite the fact that I knew Chairmen Mao was going to kill me when my contract with him expired, I still found him to be a nice enough guy. A joy to be around. A couple things stood out in the dream more vividly than others. One of these things was how we (me and the other scientists) would land our super special airship in the middle of these wide-open rice fields and then we would set up bombs all of the place. I know nothing about bombs, airships, or even Chairmen Mao, so this is all very strange. Once we finished setting up bombs this time, they went off early. I remember I dove into a nearby irrigation ditch and saw some of the other scientists being disintegrated and hundreds of nearby townspeople dying in front of my eyes. I was somehow unharmed in the accidental explosion. After these people all died horrible deaths before me, Chairmen Mao himself showed up in a new airship. He stepped out once it had landed and congratulated me for somehow surviving this peril. His airship began to unload all kinds of bizarre farm equipment. The nearby rice fields were completely ravaged and had half burned bodies scattered all over them. The farm equipment began to run over the bodies, which would chop them up and spread them across the landscape. Somehow the fields began to look like rice farms again, as if nothing had happened. All the bodies were soon gone and I got back on the airship and we departed the area.

Once back on the airship and on the way to the next mission I made a phone call to a woman I used to see. I explained to her what had happened and how horrified I was. She cried and asked why I am doing this job. I couldn't really explain why I was doing it, I didn't understand why I felt the need to continue doing it. I felt horrible and scared. I told her I didn't want to lose her due to this coming between us. I began to cry myself. I told her how much I loved her and always will, I told her how much I wish I could be with her right now, and she told me back that she loved me too. For several minutes following all we did was cry to each other and express our love for one another. It was an unusually loving and emotional scene that had been preceded by such horror moments before. It was such an inexplicable turn for my dream. I awoke with my eyes wet from tears. I hated it. The realistic and reasonable ideas that had wormed their way into the insanely over the top dream I was having. It stuck with me. The idea I was doing something wrong, that I didn't know why, and that it destroyed a relationship. Thanks a lot Mao.

THE NAKED POET

2011-09-11T23:31:00.000-07:00

The night of the Langley Cruise-In was pretty fantastic. We pulled the couches out from the store and spent our time drinking beer and people watching. Lots of exciting things happened; near fights, mass thievery of hipster bikes, making fun of BG, to even a run in with the semi-famous-mostly-annoying Naked Poet.

This was a cringe worthy visit for sure. She began to spout off some absurd rhymes in which she constantly used the same words over and over again. She finished her visit off with a bang though. I luckily had just started recording on my phone.

F**K BOSTON! LETS DESTROY VANCOUVER!

2011-06-17T14:12:00.000-07:00

No matter where you are in the world, you know the idiots in your neighborhood. Those pieces of shit that just cause problems. They have no beneficial place in our societies, they are the people that you wish it weren't against the law to smack upside the head. You wish you could do something about them but there is a system put in place to protect these fucking morons. Now imagine if all of these idiots you have encountered in your life decided to gather in one place. IMAGINE that. I gag at just the thought, but that is what happened in Vancouver after the Stanley Cup finals. The exact same shitheads that the police would be arresting across the city and lower mainland that evening anyways, just all so happen to be in the same place.

Think of the concept of a think tank. Gathering groups of intelligent people together to form new ideas and concepts through discussion among intellectuals. Now think of the opposite. Gather the dumbest people you know and put them all in a small room. Fuck it, toss in some alcohol and some slutty women for the men to impress. What do you think is going to happen? I suspect they will discover the cure for their herpes, I say that because none of them will leave that room. They will die. Imagine this room on a large multiple city block scale. Pepper in some police. Surround it with onlookers. Bake it on high with the frustration of a hockey game loss. Of course these others events are ingredients in the recipe for disaster but they are not the main factor. The main factor was the idiocy. I was pissed that we lost and I had a crowd with me at my store, yet for some reason I didn't walk out my front door and start smashing windows and destroying property. Why? I am not a fucking moron.

Something that makes me sick is that people were throwing rocks and beer bottles at the police. What the fuck? Why? What is the mindset? What did the police do? They are only doing their job and you know what, they did a damn fine job of it. They could have used a lot more force, they could have hurt a lot more of these criminals. They were very reserved and kept working towards a non-violent conclusion to the riots. I sure hope that anyone that was throwing things at police or hitting them with objects will be charged with assault on a peace officer. Hell, I wish even the fucking morons that stood in the background with their cameras could be charged with something, they were just as big a part of the problem. I explained to someone yesterday that it is the same thing as a kid doing a cannonball into the pool, do you think they do it often when nobody is watching? Not likely. By watching the morons you are fueling their need to impress and show off.

I am frustrated with the image that Vancouver Canucks fans have received over the last few days. Actually, not only the Canucks fans but the people of Vancouver period. I have lived in the Vancouver area my entire life and it is a beautiful place to live. I fucking hate idiots, anyone that reads my posts knows this. This is taking idiocy to a new level though. The people that caused the violence and damage down in Vancouver after the hockey game was over are not core Canucks fans, which I am sure many people have already pointed out. They are the "band-wagon" fans that everyone hates on leading up to the finals. People that are just taking part in what everyone else is excited about. I fully support the "band-wagon" fans, if it wasn't for this wagon driving by, I may not have ever became a Canucks fan. I am a lifetime fan specifically because of the 1993/1994 season. I continued watching after that glorious run. I know that not everyone would continue watching even if we won the Stanley Cup this year, but if the Canucks gain new permanent fans through the emotional ride that is the playoffs, I fully support that.

The problem being that a lot of these fair weather fans just used this opportunity to be a part of a riot. They specifically traveled to the downtown area looking for a riot. I wouldn't doubt that if we had won the cup these idiots would have carried on in the same effect. It's hurtful that everyone seems to think that Vancouver as a whole is responsible for this.

I applaud all the volunteers that live or traveled to downtown yesterday to be a part of the cleanup effort. I am greatly impressed by you all.

VENTRILOWISDOM

2011-02-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

When I was young I thought that when people referred to throwing their voices that they actually could make their voice sound like it was coming from someone or somewhere else. If this were real, that would be fantastic. I could learn to mimic someone’s voice and then fuck with them, from a distance. I could say all sorts of things and the people surrounding them would think it was them, it could be mildly amusing for a brief minute or two. The reality is that ventriloquism is lame. There is nothing really funny about it. The only time I have laughed at ventriloquism jokes is when people are ripping on how hurting ventriloquism is. I fully agree. Somehow people have made careers out of this. I guess taking advantage of stupid people is a perfectly reasonable profession. Look at Apple.

The jokes that ventriloquists throw out are so dated and cheesy but they are masked by the gimmickry of using a stupid little doll to deliver them, thus making the people that enjoy watching it rather unintelligent for not realizing it. The truth is, I may just be the weird person and everyone else is normal. So many people absolutely love their iPhones, Dane Cooke, and republican values when there are so many grander and more sane alternatives for each item. All the things I mentioned are catered to the drooling, slow witted society we live in, attempting to give less complication and questions to people's lives. iPhones don’t do everything but do the most basic things very well and look flashy while doing it. Dane Cooke doesn’t tell funny jokes but dances around like an idiot while delivering them to make it seem flashy and more entertaining. Republicans just say god told them this is the way things should be and that’s why you should do it. What is flashier than god itself? So looking at ventriloquism it is essentially the same thing, all about the flash. There is no substance; it is a fart joke with a flashy LED light show above it. This brings me to the conclusion that most people are ignorant morons and all the majority of society cares about is flashiness. I really went on longer than I intended to here, either way, I saw Jeff Dunham on the comedy channel last night, "Jeff Dunham is not funny" is what I meant to say. Now I am going to go play my Playstation 3 on my high definition TV and eat Doritos. Baaa

TEXTING STRESS

2011-02-17T16:09:00.000-08:00

I thought texting was brilliant when I first started using it. I could say exactly what I wanted to anyone, whenever I wanted. No pressure to respond immediately. I could double check that I wasn’t saying something offensive; I could make sure the spelling was right so I didn’t sound like an idiot. It seemed great. The problem is that texting has become THE new form of communication and now when I don’t respond immediately to messages, people think I hate them. That is so far from the truth, if I haven’t responded to your message for an hour or two it doesn’t mean I have some deep-seated message embedded in my actions that decodes as “I hate you”. The lack of response is just pure and utter laziness on my part.

I never really thought into how people viewed it when I hadn’t responded to their messages until recently a girl I know made some very rude statements about a guy she was texting with. She was getting all aggravated while texting on her phone and I asked her why she was upset. She told me that some guy she was texting with was responding to her messages immediately after she would send him one. This bothered her because she felt he was being way too needy. She told me she would read his message but leave it for about an hour before she would respond. Then he would again respond immediately to what she had said. I asked her if she just didn’t know what to say in response to him and she said “No, I just don’t want to sound needy”. I told her she is a bitch for wanting to play mind games like that. She argued that it was not a mind game. I wish there was a sensible woman present at that moment to feed her a nice helping of slap to the face. The poor guy just really wants to talk to her and by choosing texting as the form of communication he is giving her the power to completely ignore and mistreat him. I was so annoyed by how childish she was acting and how she thought I would agree with her dealings.

I just recently spoke to a guy friend that after looking at his situation it seems this is exactly how he is being treated; he seems so upset and helpless about it. All I could suggest to him was to stop texting her; she obviously isn’t worth his time if she’s anything like the immature bitch I encountered doing it. The problem being, there is a chance she is just being a lazy bitch like me. Texting leaves far too much about a conversation open to the imagination. Should we just start talking on the phone again? Fuck it, how about we see each other in person? Who am I kidding, we are all too busy playing angry birds anyways.

SUICIDE IS AKIN TO JACK MCCALL

2010-10-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

Fuck all people that commit suicide. These fucking cowards don’t deserve to be remembered. Committing suicide is such an un-thoughtful and disgusting thing to do. By doing this act you will have effectively ripped a massive hole in the lives of everyone that cared about you. It is so selfish to commit suicide because you’re sad or you can’t go on with your hard life. Boo fucking hoo, life isn’t fair so just make the best of it you can. On the worst days of my life, in the worst moments I have even not considered ending mine. To think about suicide I would first have to think about the effect it would have on my family and friends. Immediately that would put any stop to thoughts of such a thing. I would never willfully bring that kind of hardship and pain upon people I care about no matter how angry or confused I was.

Someone told me not too long ago that they had to go visit a friend of theirs that was contemplating suicide. This cowardly piece of shit was doing so because he was having a hard time coping with his grandma being sick. His grandma was sick so the thing he thinks that can make it better is to commit suicide. How fucking ignorant. I am going to kill myself because I can’t deal with the pain that my grandmother is going to die. How could this stupid mother fucker not realize that by killing himself he would be causing that pain, in greater extent, to everyone that cares about him? I got so angry when I heard this. How do people this stupid remember to breathe?

I feel the same way for the assholes that threaten with suicide. Again, this is a despicable act and a way to play on the people that care about you. It is selfish because someone that threatens suicide knows that people will care, because there are plenty of people that genuinely care about their well being. It is a horrible way of pulling on the heart strings of people that care about you so that you can garner attention. Why do you deserve attention? Do something worthwhile and make your life better and you will receive attention in a natural way. The only attention you will receive from suicide is pity and hatred once the heartache wears off.

Say what you will about the people you know that committed suicide but it is not going to change the fact it is cowardly. Life is life; shit happens constantly and more often than not it is far worse for someone other than these people that are killing themselves. There are people that have been to hell and back and came out a better person for it. Killing yourself and inconveniencing the rest of the world by making yourself seem a bigger deal than you were is just unreasonable. Leaving your corpse for someone you love to find, or a stranger for that matter is just despicable. Your parting gift to this world is pain, misery, and the need to seek therapy for finding your dead body. Thanks a lot you piece’s of shit.

I speak about emo suicide by the way, suicide because of whiny little bitches that can’t deal with someone leaving them, someone dying, or any other emotional garbage that every other person deals with on a regular basis. Killing yourself because of a sense of dread or an excessive emotion is just plain brainless. Suicide because of life threatening illness is a whole different beast that I don’t have a strong opinion on. That said, if you know you are going to die, why would you not want to hold on to your last moments? Don’t get your hopes up; you are not going to a better place once those eyes of yours close for good.

This is the coward piece of shit Jack McCall. He is responsible for shooting James "Wild Bill" Hickok in the back of the head.

RAPE BIAS

2010-10-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

What is rape bias you ask? Rape bias is how basically any woman can say they have been raped by a man and ruin that man’s life whether it happened or not. Whether it be out of spite, hatred or jealousy, women have done this to men the world over. Many times a man has been found to be not guilty of the rape he is accused of but has still lost his job, his wife, or respect from his entire community. There is never as much of a commotion made about a rapist that has been exonerated as when the actual ‘rape’ itself occurred. So there are not as many people that know his name has been cleared, as there are people that think he’s a rapist. If a stupid, bitchy, disgusting, whore of a woman lies about a man raping her, then that man’s life is damaged from that point forward. I used all those adjectives based on the fact that a woman would have to be all those things to lie about something as fragile and damning as rape. Here are some more descriptive terms of those kinds of women. Lying, despicable, nazi, cunty, daft, jail deserving, spiteful, ugly, horrible… the list goes on. Yes I did say cunty, I am not even sure if that’s a word but she would have to be quite the cunty cunt to do something of that nature.

There is not really anyway a man can socially, politically, and career wise crush a woman in the same negative manner that a fake rape victim can do. I am not saying there should be a way, I just hate that there is this ridiculous bias towards men, assuming that we are all raping, homicidal, stupid Neanderthals. These women that lie about rape are as awful as child molesters in my books. They painfully and purposely destroy other people’s entire lives. I have seen far too many stories where a man accused of raping someone has lost everything and then a year later is found not-guilty of rape. There is no way to fix the way people look at him, or the lack of employers willing to hire him. I am sure there are details where the man could still be a heartless piece of shit, could still be capable of rape, etc. etc. The situations I am talking about though are the ones where the man was completely innocent, no question about it and the woman flat out admits she was lying. Throw her away in prison. Put the key on a chain around a monkeys neck and have that monkey eaten by a crocodile. Then shoot that crocodile and launch it on a rocket into the sun. Fuck these women who cry wolf.

It’s sad when a man could be dating a woman and thinking everything is going well. They have sex. Then she could just decide to claim he raped her, and BAM! He’s in jail. We will just believe their lies, because only a woman can be a victim in this situation apparently. I have seen very few cases where the woman gets what she deserves when she’s discovered to be lying. Only one situation I have heard of resulted in jail time for the woman. That brought a smile to my face, the stupid cunt.

As a little bit of a reminder, this is a specific piece on women who lie about rape. So if you want to go off on some tangent about something unrelated to this exact situation and try to make me look like a bigger asshole than I am, you will look like a fucking idiot. If I didn’t make my point clear enough already let me make it more concise;

-I hate women that lie about being raped.

That should be good enough. I don’t need to hear from the die hard, heart on our shoulder feminist bitches on this one. I heard enough already about my teenage pregnancy post.

Oh wait, I love controversy. In that case I love women and think they deserve all the power men do but I also think ‘power feminists’ fucking suck balls. What you do nowadays is just bitch, bitch, bitch and give yourselves a bad name while getting nothing done. You are like Greenpeace. You may be trying to do something right but you are going about it the wrong way and just raising hatred and awareness about what pieces of ignorant garbage you are. All women are not stupid, man-hating, bitches, but you give people the impression they are. With your retarded complaining and bullshit antics you are not accomplishing anything reasonable. A smart woman gets by just fine, like any smart man. They do not need your bleeding heart to help them.

TEENAGE PREGNANCY

2010-09-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate this so much. Almost to the point that I feel I cannot write a concise enough statement about the subject to truly do it justice. It absolutely disgusts me that someone is so selfish as to burden themselves, a child, their family and the rest of society just so they can have their own living cabbage patch doll. I’ll admit that there of course have been exceptions to this and some people have managed it and raised a child successfully in this situation. I give kudos to those strong people. I would like to state a fact that I just made up; At least ninety eight percent of the time it doesn’t work out as the amazing fairy tale the mother thought it would be. Of course this is just through the situations I have seen and I feel I can judge the world based on that alone, otherwise what the fuck am I writing this book for?

If you are a teenage girl considering being a part of this horrible trend let me give you some insight into thoughts that are floating through your small undeveloped mind.

Thought: If I have this child he will stay with me and love me like never before.

Reality: Probably not. It won’t change the problems you have together and he isn’t going to miraculously decide to stop having sex with your friends and treating you like shit.

Thought: Everyone will be jealous of my baby and me. They will be blown away by the fact that at sixteen I could have a child and make it in this world.

Reality: No. False. You are a fucking idiot. When your own parents haven’t even finished raising you into a smart enough individual to realize that you shouldn’t be doing this little scheme of yours then you should not be having a child. Nobody will be jealous. They may think your baby is cute but they will pity you and makes jokes at your expense more so than before because of your preposterous situation you have allowed yourself to be in.

Thought: People will think I am less of a slut and that I’m so mature.

Reality: You clearly put out so how does this change anything? Not to mention the fact that you will be chasing other men when you are finished with this baby in an attempt to have a child with them so that you can try and put a death grip on the man and keep him in your life. Most sane people will be disgusted by your decision making abilities and will think less of you as a person, which is worse than being a slut.

Thought: My baby and I will be closer than any mother/child have ever been.

Reality: If for some weird reason your baby develops a brain throughout the period with which you are raising it, he/she will grow up hating you for the dumb decisions you have made in your life. If the child makes it to its teen years and is still with you, then they are probably about to have a child of their own and restart the cycle of stupid.

Thought: It will be easy.

Reality: Probably, but only because you will do next to nothing. The girl whom wouldn’t even clean her room because her parents asked her to is not going to be doing to majority of the work raising the child. The parents, grandparents, or other dependable people will have to be the ones that take the brunt of the work and responsibility. They will be the ones spending the time, money, and love to raise the child in the way you are not mature enough to do yourself.

I hate that people don’t consider abortion. Are you worried that you are going to feel bad for a few days? Chin up and realize that if you have the child and fuck over not only your life but your families too then you are going to be a lot sadder in the long run.

Let’s be honest, the only thing that is stopping you from scrambling and sucking that guy right out of there is religion. Religion has made us feel bad for everything we do for thousands of years. I suspect that the Immaculate Conception was just a huge cover up for infidelity anyways so you shouldn’t feel bad about it. There was no way for a young girl like Mary to get an abortion at the time so she knew people were going to know that she was having a baby. Since she wasn’t giving it up to Joseph and was sleeping with whomever on the side she needed an excuse as to why she was having a child. HUZZAH! God came to her while she was sleeping and blessed her with a child. Isn’t that rape? Oh who cares if it was rape, that’s ok by Gods standards since that isn’t even covered in the Ten Commandments. So she claims “god” blessed her with an immaculate conception to cover up her infidelity and BAM! everyone believes in Jesus Christ, the son of god. Poor Joseph. If only he knew he could have been slaying Mary Magdelene on the side, it’s not like they had alimony back then anyways.

IT DOESN'T GET MUCH WORSE THAN THAT

2010-09-03T15:50:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with someone a couple days ago about not having a cigarette for when you first wake up. All the people who don’t smoke don’t necessarily understand this, so think of it as not having a coffee when you first wake up or something along those lines. It’s not great when you’re an addict like me for these kinds of things. The person I was talking to made a ridiculous statement though. He said, “There’s not much worse than that” That is bullshit. I replied, “What about waking up in bed with a sore anus next to Richard “Sweating to the Oldies” Simmons?” He responded, “Well yah, I guess that is worse” I began to think about it and realize that people make this statement to me often. It is just another thing to add to the fucking list of shit I despise.

How can you make a statement like that? There is always something worse than whatever you are claiming. In fact, there are always a billion things worse than what these people claim is bad. I tried to explain this point to someone today and they claimed they could come up with things that don’t have many situations that are worse than the preliminary one. Let me show you the series of quotes that were made;

He said, “What if the universe were about to collapse? There is not much worse than that”

I said, “What if the universe were about to collapse and you were being raped by a pack of hyenas with herpes?”

He said, “Ok well, there is not much worse than that!”

I said, “What if the hyenas also had AIDS?”

He said, “There is not much worse than that!”

I said, “What if the hyenas had razorblades instead of penises and you were in a vat of vinegar?”

He said, “You’re sick, but there’s not much worse than that!”

I said, “What if, while this was all going on your family had to be present and watch it happen, while the universe remains in a constant time warp just before it collapses so you feel the pain of the universe collapsing constantly on top of the raping occurring by the pack of hyenas with herpes, aids, and razorblades instead of penises. There is also a gang of people with flesh eating disease gently rubbing their wounds all over every part of your body that is not currently being raped. The people with flesh eating disease are also covered with spiders, the biggest spiders you have ever seen. Not to mention the flock of pigeons that are located above this whole scene and constantly crapping all over everything. The pigeons also have rabies and are pecking at your skin. All the while this whole shebang is being broadcast on TV simultaneously to everyone that ever existed.”

By the time I had finished this statement he had already called me a twisted asshole and left my presence. I think I won that argument.

EPIC SAX WALRUS

2010-09-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

So, through a series of circumstances I have encountered the epic sax guy. I am not happy about it but once you have seen it, there is nothing you can do to unsee it. You can watch it at the following link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrdwhXNt4qw

Naturally when I saw this new meme, I figured I could take my own stab at becoming a worldwide Youtube sensation. Here is my attempt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8n0dnYM0eS4

ESCARGO ALL OVER MYFOOTO

2010-08-31T11:54:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate when I step on a snail. It is the worst feeling. Not only have I killed this creature but also destroyed its home and all the work it has accomplished in its life. Not to mention how disgusting snails are and now that disgusting mess is smooshed all over the bottom of my shoe and the ground. It is such a tragic feeling when you are just walking minding your own business and you hear CRRRUNCH! underfoot. You know what you just did and you immediately begin to feel bad about it. I am not sure what I feel worse about though, the snail being dead or my shoes possibly being all gross and snotty. Let’s be honest, snails and slugs are disgusting no matter how you look at them. I feel bad for them. I cannot see any person EVER thinking anything more than, “Eww gross” about one of these creatures. They have no cute values, they have no redeeming qualities. For fucks sake they leave a trail of slimy snot everywhere they go. Like being a defense lawyer. What a tough life that must be.

As I was looking for a picture of a snail that has been stepped on, I discovered that snails can become insanely massive. Imagine stepping on this guy. It would definitely be time to throw out your shoes after that encounter.

MONEY FOR BIRTHDAYS

2010-08-16T16:54:00.000-07:00

I hate how people seem to think giving someone cash for a birthday or special occasion is impersonal and rude. How many times have you received a gift you didn’t really give a shit about? I know there have been countless times I have. There are also the times where you get a gift certificate to a place you never go to or have absolutely no interest in. Plus gift certificates increasingly only allow you to use them at the store and keep a balance on the card, so even if you spend ninety five percent of the gift certificate, the other five percent remains on the card and probably will never be used.
Give cash. When you give cash you know the person is going to be happy. They can then spend it on gas, clothes, food, or whatever the hell else they want. If the person has not asked you for anything, then cash seems the best bet. You can never go wrong with it, no one would be like, “Aw fuck, a hundred dollars? I don’t want this shit.” If I give you money you should be happy about it. It means I thought enough about you to realize I didn’t want to make your birthday present awkward and give you some shitty fucking sweater with a kitty on it.
Birthday cards are fucking stupid too. There is absolutely no reason I should go spend five to ten dollars on a fucking card for you. I can understand if you’re one of those people that need to send everyone a birthday card on their birthdays. If you are seeing them in person on the actual date of their birthday though and especially if you are getting them a gift, why the fuck should you get them a card? You’re handing them the fucking present, if they don’t know who it’s from at this point they have some serious mental problems. I have tried on multiple occasions to get out of the whole buying birthday cards fad. Every time I attempt it I get bitched at by my family. So now I just trace my hand on a piece of paper and cut it out, and then scrawl ‘Happy Birthday from Adam’ on it. Don’t like it? Tough. It’s either that or you’re supporting my plans of going into the birthday card aisle at the nearest store and recording all sorts of vulgar messages on the new audio message birthday cards.

V-NECK REVENGE

2010-08-12T13:09:00.001-07:00

Just a quick post today to address the rumors about me wearing a V-neck. Watch the following video to see what happened.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q2P2tnvLm3c

NAVEL WARFARE

2010-08-11T14:24:00.001-07:00

Have you ever noticed how weird your belly button makes you feel if you touch it? I fucking hate it. I’m not saying I sit around pushing my finger in and out of my belly button trying to get off or something (yes, navel fetishes do exist) but the fact is that if you are touching it for whatever reason it gets a very uncomfortable feeling that makes me nearly sick. Try it, right now. Although only try it if you regularly clean your belly button. I was not aware until the age of around nineteen that cleaning the belly button was a more complex process than running a washcloth over it. You have to get right in there. Dirt and lint and whatever other crap gets stuck in the starts to smell. I remember the time I came to the realization that it needs a more thorough cleaning. I was sitting on the can, poking and prodding my belly button when I had to brilliant (not sure why) idea to smell my finger afterwards. It was like a combination of rotten food, old cheese, and BO. Possibly one of the grossest things I have ever smelt. The odor is really only really rivaled by hot diarrhea and the smell of jelly beans being produced. Well, so far. I am sure there are many more foul scents I will discover before I die.
Anyway, if you just take one of your fingers and kind of play with your belly button, you will understand what I mean. I’m doing it right now. Trying to think of a way to describe what it feels like. Considering the belly button is a scar it should feel odd but I can’t see why it feels like I am sticking my finger directly inside my stomach. It probably has something to do with the fact that there used to be a crucial part of your body there and now it is nothing and leads to nothing. What an awful feeling. I hope you have done it and been able to experience the nastiness of it considering I cannot possibly think of the words to describe how gross it is. Someone just pointed out to me that their definition of how it feels is like “a bolt of tingling shoots from inside your belly button to the tip of your penis.” I guess that explains how the navel fetish was discovered. Seriously check on YouTube if you want to see that weird and nasty shit.

A CONVERSATION WITH MCLOVIN

2010-07-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

Mclovin is currently in Calgary visiting family. Yet this doesn't keep him from trying to spark up obscure and pointless conversations with me, as If he were here hovering over my desk. Example:

Mclovin: Nice Vid

Received: 2:57pm Jul 22

Mclovin: Wat Up?

Received: 8:34pm Jul 22

Mclovin: Wat Up?

Received: 1:57pm Jul 23

Me: Nit Such. U?

Sent: 2:00pm Jul 23

Mclovin: Just Relaxing Lol.

Received: 2:03pm Jul 23

Mclovin: Wats New?

Received: 6:49pm Jul 23

Me: Nothing. U

Sent: 6:50pm Jul 23

Mclovin: Watching Tv

Received: 6:55pm Jul 23

Mclovin: Wat Up?

Received: 1:37pm Jul 24

Me: Wat up wit you

Sent: 2:10pm Jul 24

Mclovin: Ntm Went To A Carshow And Might Have Gotten a Sunburn Lol

Received: 2:16pm Jul 24

Me: Lol I'm masterbating.

Sent: 2:19pm Jul 24

Me: Wat Up?

Sent: 6:47pm Jul 25

Mclovin: Ntm U?

Received: 6:47pm Jul 25

Me: When u coming back?

Sent: 6:48pm Jul 25

Mclovin: Agust 1st

Received: 6:52pm Jul 25

Me: Kill bro. Did you get us any presents?

Sent: 6:52pm Jul 25

Mclovin: No Lol. Im Poor.:D

Received: 6:54pm Jul 25

Mclovin: But I Am Getting A Tan Lol

Received: 6:59pm Jul 25

Me: Doubtful

Sent: 6:59pm Jul 25

Mclovin: Whys That Fag

Received: 7:00pm Jul 25

Mclovin: So Who All There?

Received: 7:13pm Jul 25

Mclovin: Yo

Received: 11:53am Jul 26

Me: Yes?

Sent: 12:01pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Wat Up

Received: 12:08pm Jul 26

Me: Not much. U?

Sent: 12:01pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Ntm Going To See A Movie On Wensday.

Received: 12:10pm Jul 26

Me: What are you wearing?

Sent: 12:19pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Cloths.

Received: 12:21pm Jul 26

Me: Loin?

Sent: 12:21pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Pants

Received: 12:24pm Jul 26

Me: Loin pants. I'm hard.

Sent: 12:24pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Jeans

Received: 12:25pm Jul 26

Me: A/S/L?

Sent: 12:25pm Jul 26

Mclovin: 56 M Russia

Received: 12:27pm Jul 26

Me: Wanna cam?

Sent: 12:27pm Jul 26

Mclovin: If U Pay

Received: 12:29pm Jul 26

Me: Meet any hot chicks out there? Is your mom still looking fine as usual?

Sent: 12:29pm Jul 26

Mclovin: 2 Lol And U?

Received: 12:35pm Jul 26

Me: Say something funny to end this conversation.

Sent: 12:43pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Im Tanned And Going To See SP Vs The World On Wensday

Received: 12:46pm Jul 26

Mclovin: Cuz Ur Not Lol

Received: 12:51pm Jul 26

Me: I'm not laughing out loud?

Sent: 12:51pm Jul 26

Mclovin: I Meant Movie

Received: 12:52pm Jul 26

This is just a regular conversation that I will have with one of my favorite people in the world. I assume if we make a CyberSpace reality show, Mclovin will become a star. Now think to yourself, this is a conversation I can put up with. So think how stupid this is and realize that I have conversations one hundred times more pointless than this on a daily basis, at least three or four times a day. Conversations about cheap meat prices, about tennis rackets, about people dating other people over the internet. Holy fuck! How I have not gone insane and killed a shit ton of people I do not know. I guess the violent video games are not working.

Bonus Picture of Mclovin :)

PEEING IN THE SHOWER

2010-07-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

So many people will not admit to this. I will right now, I HAVE PEED IN THE SHOWER. So what? What's the big fucking deal? I hate that people will lie and lie again about whether or not they have done it. Explain to me why I would get out of the shower to go piss in a different drain? I am currently standing there listening to the rushing water, completely relaxed with warm water rolling down my entire body. BAM! I have to pee. So now I have the option of getting out of the shower and drying myself off so I can walk over to the toilet and piss. OR; I can stay in the shower, aim and piss down the drain. Easy choice I figure. I know plenty of people that do it, hell, I even know at least one woman that does it. So shut up and stop pretending that you don't. The shower is being used to clean the filth off your body, why not the filth inside it. The only reason people don't crap in the shower is because the drain is not equipped for it. Either way, you clean your shower don't you? So what difference is it making to anyone?

Next subject; peeing in pools. Yes. I have done it. I don't go swimming in pools anymore but when I did I had a little game of testing the waters to see if that myth about the dye that turns your pee blue was true. As it turns out, I have never come across that dye, I am not even sure it exists. Don't you fret though, I have only pissed in public pools, lakes, rivers, my pants and the ocean. I wont pee in your pool or hot tub, just as I wouldn't pee in my own. I just feel since everyone else was doing it in the public areas, who really gives a shit. I hate people that pretend they are not aware that at least 50% of the water in public pools is probably piss. I will leave you with this quote.

"In a survey of 1,000 U.S. adults conducted in April and May, 17 percent admitted relieving themselves in a swimming pool. Even the Olympics' most decorated swimmer, Michael Phelps, confessed to urinating in the water to TV host Jimmy Kimmel." -CNNhealth.com

THE FIRST TIME

2010-07-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Everyone remembers the first time they had sex. All through my teenage years I remember stories of people's first time. Some good, some bad... most bad. I don't have one of my classic embarrassing stories for this topic considering I was more than pleased with my first experience. It was one of those special moments you hear about and I have never regretted it. There are plenty of people though, that have the tragic story of their first times.

Any people I know that have yet to make the leap, I try to convince them that banging some random slut is not going to appease this deeper need for the special moment. I don't necessarily believe that mankind (or humankind if you're one of those stupid bitches that can't accept a word because it has 'man' in it) is meant to be monogamous, but I do believe there is more to be had when sex is with someone that means something. It is extremely hard to explain because it is a feeling you will have. For example if you do not know the name of the person you are sleeping with, they really are not very special to you.

Maybe the feeling isn't something special. Maybe I just worry about being that guy. The guy that; accidentally sticks it in the wrong place his first time, the one that sticks it in and explodes within two seconds, or the guy that is only doing it for the sake of bragging to his friends. There is a lot of pressure on people to be having sex and I admit I am a part of that pressure. I have ripped on guys for being a virgin and I feel like I am partly responsible for the experience they end up having. If I hear one more person say that you need to fuck a bunch of sub-par girls to train for the one that matters I will fucking lose it. I am not saying wait for marriage, I am not saying don't have sex, I am just saying do it when it's right and with the right person, it actually makes a notable difference. I know it may sound lame, it may sound gay, but when you get it, you get it.

All in all, the purpose of this post was just to bring the conversation to a point that I could direct your attention to an example of what it's like when its special. When it means something. This following link to a video show exactly that, it shows the lovely feelings and the passion involved in a loving relationship. It is completely safe for work by the way, unless vulgar language is too much for your work. This is the true love that most of us are missing.

http://www.youtube.com/user/nickervision#p/a/u/0/8MefTZ7Oog4

LOOKING AT PORN IN MY STORE IS A NO-NO

2010-07-05T17:49:00.000-07:00

I don't really get why people seem to think they can just come right into CyberSpace and it's their right to look at porn on the internet computers. This fucking guy came in earlier... here's a creepy photo.

This guy comes in, and of course he's asking about whether or not he can surf the web on the back computers. Immediately a warning went off in my head that he is going to attempt something seedy. So of course within a few minutes he was looking up videos of women in bikinis dancing around in slow motion. This is by no means illegal, but it is definitely fucking weird. So of course I have to keep a good eye on him and sure enough withing a few more minutes he is straight up watching some video of a naked woman jumping up and down. I can't deny that it was hot, should have gotten the URL from him first, either way though, this is against my rules. I went to my front computer and cut off his time, he still had a good half an hour left. I watched him to see what he would do, sometimes these greaseballs get the idea and then just leave. He didn't, he came up and asked if he could purchase more time. Of course I didn't sell him more, I told him how he was looking up inappropriate content in my store. He disagreed. I told him that he was looking up pornography in front of children. I then pointed at Mclovin, who of course is 19 but looks to be 12. The creep replied that, "He wasn't watching the video, I WAS, he was over there watching his screen and I was over here watching my screen" Either way I told him I had enough of him and he needed to leave. I recorded the last little bit of the conversation with this stand up guy. Feel free to watch the video on YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWoBC--HBfs

Book now available on iPad, iPhone, and iPod Touch

2010-07-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

My Book "Walking Through Spider Webs" is now available on Apple iTunes. If you have an iPhone, iPad, or iPod Touch you can download the app 'iBooks' from the Appstore and purchase my book. Thanks for the support.

Break for Publishing

2010-06-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

I will be taking a short break from writing the blog. My book "Walking Through Spider Webs ..and many other things I love to hate" is going to be published as an eBook. So I have some real work to do to get it setup in all the stores. I will post a list of places it is available as soon as they go up.

Thank you for all the support, and if you just can't wait to read it, it is currently available at Smashwords

It can be downloaded in nearly every format to be viewed in almost every eBook reader. If you use an iPhone you can use the app Stanza Reader to view your eBooks. If you use an Android Phone you can download Aldiko from the Market to view your eBooks. A PDF version is also available to be read directly on your laptop or desktop PC.

Thanks again for the support.
I will update when there is more news.

Adam Nickerson

MIXED MARTIAL ARTS

2010-06-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate MMA. I don’t care for watching two guys beat the shit out of each other. There are people out there that watch this shit religiously. They know the fighters, the fights, and the arenas. Just like any other sport I suppose, but this one is so genuinely violent on purpose. You can easily spot the guys that are wholly into this sport by the way they dress, the obsessive gym habits, the chin strap facial hair, and how they always want to wrestle and fight with one another. Not a hard fan to spot at all, I see them all the time; constantly talking about how someone smashed someone else’s face in. I’m so glad that all those douches from high school that liked to beat people up for fun, now have a reason for doing so, to be a MMA fighter.

I have seen plenty of these MMA events over the years and noticed one important thing that others don’t seem to quite get. There is another sport, wrestling, that started out as a showmanship sport and slowly devolved into a male soap opera. MMA is on track to being the next male soap. The fighters shit talking each other, the grudges, and the hard knock life back story of the competitors. It’s a slow burn to get to the point of wrestling’s drama, but they are well on their way. Don’t say this to a fan of MMA though, they will probably deny, deny, deny, and then try to fight you about it. You could argue that I enjoy seeing a good fight in a hockey match, but something about a hockey fight just does not seem in the same league as an actual organized fight. I get that violence pumps people up and I fully understand that testosterone filled sports sell very well to men.

I just wonder how long it is until we are accepting of other violent sports that we also used to allow in the past. This kind of one on one fighting is not new to our society, it has always been around. Some points in history it has been applauded and other points have condemned it. I can think of another sport that used to be applauded but we are not cool with now. We should gather the bums and hookers of the world and bury them in sand up to their necks in an arena. Then drive a car that is outfitted with large blades sticking out of its wheels around the arena. The large blades will chop off the heads of the people we don’t care about and everyone will cheer. This was allowed. Of course with wagons and slaves instead, but it actually happened and was a glorious event to behold. The disturbing part is that it was usually a precursor to another event where two men would battle in front of the same crowd to see which one was stronger. I know I am drawing some pretty outlandish parallels but our society is so fucked, it seems like we are moving backwards at a faster rate than any other direction.

HE WHO SMELLED IT DEALT IT

2010-06-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

I fucking despise when I get blamed for someone else’s farts. That is fucking low. When out of nowhere it begins to stink in the crowd you are with and someone calls out that somebody farted. Then people start blaming you for it. Immediately you feel uncomfortable about it and need to overreact about the smell of it to try and make it clear that it wasn’t you who popped it out. Nobody ever believes anyone when it comes to denying farts. The crowd decides who dealt it and that’s the way it stays. I nearly always will claim my farts as my own. I don’t want someone getting credit for something that is mine, even if it’s something as small as pooh particles. It’s fucking mine.

There are certain situations where I haven’t claimed it, but they are just not the right time to claim a fart as your own. For instance some of my slip ups include; farting in elevators and then someone gets in at the next floor. Nothing I can do in that situation, as it would be weird if I say to a complete stranger, “yah, that was me, I farted before you got in the elevator, I’m sorry.” Once I farted as I was having an orgasm while receiving oral sex, my body was just very relaxed, I heard it, and I’m more than certain she must have heard it, being closer to the source and all. I played it off like it never happened. One of the worst times was when I was in a toy store looking for a new version of boggle. I let this disgusting monstrosity of a fart slip right in the board games aisle. Just as the foul demon mist was exiting my body, a very good looking woman stepped into the aisle beside me. She was looking in the very same spot I was and now was soon going to be a victim of my tragic fart. I immediately grabbed the closest boggle game I could, I didn’t even care which version I had and I bolted out of the aisle before ever having to see or hear the reaction from the woman. Poor girl is probably dead.

Another odd thing is when a stranger farts, it’s disturbingly disgusting. Let me make it clear, yes farts are gross, and yes I find them funny. I find it funny in my group of friends though, it’s as if I become comfortable with other peoples farts if I know them well enough. Since I am a grown child and me and my friends think it’s funny to fart near or on each other, we have grown surprisingly and creepily comfortable with each other’s farts. It’s a very strange thing to say, but it’s clearly true. I will hold my shirt over my face still, or punch them for farting, but it doesn’t really bother me as much if it smells. Whereas when someone that is more of a stranger is hanging around and lets a fart out, in the exact same way a friend of mine would, I feel like I’m going to vomit. It’s so disgusting. I will move away to the best of my ability, and if I smell it, I will gag. How strange is it that a stranger will make me sick to my stomach, when someone I know can do the same thing with little to no effect on me. Why am I comfortable with my friends farts? Gross.

HEY IT’S THAT GUY FROM THAT PLACE WITH THE THINGY, HEY BUDDY!

2010-06-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

The last statement made me think of another awkward situation that arises from working at CyberSpace and knowing people by their usernames only. I have over two thousand usernames memorized, I know the person when they walk in by their username and not their real name. I think that’s fine for when I am here, but when I am out in public and I hear some kids shout “HEY ITS THAT GUY ADAM FROM CYBERSPACE” it is very awkward to speak to them. I generally try to get away with calling everyone buddy, bro, or similar devices. Then I do not have to worry about the embarrassment of calling them by their username or not knowing their actual name. Every so often though I have to introduce this person to whomever I am with and it gets very awkward for me to try and get them to introduce themselves to anyone present, as I have no fucking clue what their name is. Most of the time I will just own up to it and admit I have no idea what their name is. It is never well received when you do not remember someone’s name but since they kept pushing for a conversation with someone they don’t know that well, it is their own fault.

WHO’S ALL THERE?

2010-05-31T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate it when I am at work or in a group of people and someone calls my cell phone and asks, “who’s all there?” This pisses me off so much because quite often if I’m at work for instance, I will not know the names of all the people around me. It is such an awkward thing to be asked, because if I start naming out a few people, then I have to name everyone. If I were to leave someone out, they would be wondering why I didn’t think they were important enough for me to mention their name to whomever I am currently talking to on the phone. Even worse is when the majority of people are not known to me as anything other than their CyberSpace user account names. What the fuck am I supposed to say? “Oh hey John, yah I’m not up to much, just chilling out and having a smoke outside with jbeing, 415678, meatflaps and donkeyfucker.” It is just awkward. If you call me and the people I am with are people that I KNOW you know, I will let you know. Otherwise, please refrain from asking me this. Oh, and that donkeyfucker guy, what a gem of a person.

THE MONSTER UNDER THE STAIRS

2010-05-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate going into the crawlspace at my parent’s house. All my life this crawlspace has been scary to me. There were times where I had to go down there to put in stuff in storage, bring out Christmas decorations, or even steal bottles of wine from my parents. They ended up putting a lock on the crawlspace because of the great underground wine scam that was going on. Which was nice because then I never had to worry about going down there.

Any time I was down there rooting through Halloween costumes and old toys, I was always freaked out by one thing or another. When you climb down the hole into the crawlspace its pitch black all around you, until you reach your hand around the roof and find the little hanging cord that you can pull to turn on the one light bulb. I of course was too much of a coward to even go down there to find the light. I would lie on my stomach and reach my arm down into the hole with my eyes closed and feel around for the light cord. Only once the light went on would I venture down the hole. The light bulb brightens up the local area only. As my eyes would try to adjust to the odd light conditions I could swear I would see things moving all around me in the darkness. Since I was only able to be on my knees the majority of the time it makes you feel very vulnerable. Plus there was one corner that had a spider that was the size of my fist; it scared the shit out of me every time I was down there. I would go down there and get things for my parents while trying to never take my eyes off of the spider in the corner. This would usually result in whatever chore I was doing down there being completed rather quickly. As it turned out it was just a black sock that was stuck in some cobwebs in the far corner, it did the trick though. I still wonder whether it was planted there by my parents as part of some grand “get your chores done quickly” scheme.

I DO WHAT I WANT

2010-05-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Is there some rulebook for old man apparel that I have not seen or heard of? Why is it that these old guys in our society believe they are fucking sweet when they wear super short shorts? I fucking hate having to see this. I am as white as they come, and yet seeing these old guys’ upper thigh areas, in all their blindingly white glory, disgust me. Are you proud of those thighs? Could you not find any other shorts that actually fit you? What the fuck were you thinking you old man? An even worse scenario is when these super small shorts are florescent pink. I despise the florescent clothes, being a child of the late eighties and early nineties I had to be around these mind boggling colors way too much. Maybe they do it because they don’t care, they are old and they don’t give two shits about what anyone thinks of them. I understand that, but let me tell them that there are other people that don’t give a shit about society’s perception of them. They are crack heads, bums, and hookers. Do you really want to join this group of social outcasts because you were too fucking lazy to find a pair of shorts that cover your thighs and don’t blind me?

SLOW TRICKLE OF GAS

2010-05-25T14:00:00.000-07:00

Why do gas pumps pump gas so slowly? I swear as they have been unreasonably jacking the gas prices (which by the way I have yet to have anyone properly explain to me why they keep going up) they make the gas pumps operate slower. I am kind of under the impression that the gas companies do it so that we feel like we are receiving more gas for the money we are paying at the pump. I know that you guys are raping me for every red penny I have. Don’t make it take longer, give me some lube. If it’s not bad enough that its taking forever to pump, once it gets to the last dollar it goes even slower, so the pump doesn’t accidentally force two cents more than you paid for into your tank. Slow gas pumps are what the war is about right? I also have this constant fear that when I’m pumping gas a small static electricity spark will arc from my hand to the gas tank. This will cause the gas fumes to ignite. When the fumes ignite the flames will flow directly from my gas tank and the gas pump. Of course I will be set on fire because I am in between these two fire sources. Then when I am on fire I will roll around on the ground to try and put myself out, but gas will have gotten everywhere and it will only get worse. As both my gas tank and the pump itself explode all the other people at the gas station will either be killed or horribly maimed. Is that an irrational fear?

HEY BUDDY

2010-05-24T14:00:00.000-07:00

Why the fuck is it bad for me to call you buddy if I forgot your name? I fucking hate when people give me shit, or act like I have disrespected them by not knowing their name. Can’t you agree that if I don’t know your name it’s easier for me to say buddy rather than us getting in this embarrassing situation of whether or not I remember your name? I will eventually pick up your name again through conversation, so just have patience and you may never notice that I have no fucking clue what your name is. It is not that I don’t respect you, or that I don’t remember you, I just have a poor memory and take quite a few meetings before your name is in my head.

There was this one gentleman that would come into my store a couple years ago. He was a nice guy, and I really had no problem with him until he essentially called me a racist. When he came into the store one day I said ‘Hey dude, just give me one sec and I’ll be right with you” He looked at me all upset and interrupted me dealing with another customer that was there before him. He told me that he found it offensive that I had called him dude. Apparently calling him dude was a personal thing his friends called him in relation to him being a black man. What a bunch of fucking bullshit. I asked him what he would like me to call him and he didn’t have an answer for me. What the hell am I supposed to do in this situation? Dude is not in any way a racial term, so fuck off. Plus, how the fuck is everyone going to know that in his personal group of friends they consider the common word dude to be a racial slur about a black man? Eventually he got over this issue and used the computers. When I filled in a fellow business owner on my street, he thought it was amusing and the next day brought me over a present. The present was a can of beer, a black can of beer, the beer was called dude. I found it amusing and put it up on display. This either makes me a racist or just an asshole that likes to stir the pot.

SHAKE THE HAND THAT SHOOK THE WORLD

2010-05-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate how every god damned person I have met in my life requires to shake my hand a different way. There are a million different methods, some requiring full shakes, hugs, taps, or weird little noises. They all piss me off. I guess it’s some sort of trendy thing to continuously come up with cool little ways to shake hands, so that you can alienate anyone that does not know your stupid little moves. Anytime people try to perform these dumbass handshakes on me, I force them into a classic handshake which usually makes them get uncomfortable about how formal it is and then don’t shake my hand again after that. I can’t be the only one that hates this though; everyone has experienced that awkwardness of someone putting out their hand to initiate a shake. You think it’s going to be simple and decide to go with the new age slap and slide, but then when the slide is through they convert their flat hand to a fist, and then want a fist bump, or they don’t, or they want you to do a back flip with your hand between your legs and slap down on their hand. Either way it ends up awkward for both parties when it’s not done correctly.

There is also the douche bag that makes a big scene about it afterwards and holds your hand while forcing you to shake his hand showing you the way he and his friends did it in their neighborhood. I really could care less how they did it growing up and have no desire to be shaking everyone’s hand in the first place. I must say though, when one of those elaborate handshakes gets pulled off correctly, there is something strangely satisfying about it.

I also hate the person that requires shaking the hands of everyone that is present. For example, I and two guys I know were sitting on the couch at my store watching the hockey game. This guy we barely know must have seen us sitting there and decided he would come in and say hello. When he came in he said what’s up to each of us and shook each of our hands with the slap, slide, and pound method. He spoke to us for no more than a minute about some random problems in his life and then said goodbye. The problem is that he then required shaking each of our hands again before he took his leave. We were eating at the time, so for both the hello and goodbye shakes we had to drop our food and clean our hands with napkins and then perform the awkward handshake. The guy then left and we all bitched about how we had to shake his hand multiple times in a matter of two minutes. It may be a minor thing, but it sure pissed me off.

THE OLD PICTURE TAKING MACHINE

2010-05-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate film cameras, but I have to admit there is one advantage of them. First off, I have to point out that it really frustrates me that schools still teach photography with these old school developing methods and what not. What is the point, digital camera technology is so advanced now that it shouldn’t matter what you do with your developing. All this stupid fucking red room primitive bullshit is just pointless. You can do the same functions in a couple clicks on a computer now. Shit, you can do most of the advanced photo editing functions directly on your camera or phone now.

The one thing that’s good about these shitty old cameras is that when you take a picture, you have taken a picture. There is no retakes. I used to take pictures of everything, but now it aggravates the hell out of me. When I take a picture on my digital camera everyone always wants to see it immediately after (females). If the picture is not up to their standards they will want a fucking retake. Thanks, you bitch. You have just killed the spontaneity of the picture by gathering everyone up for a second picture because you weren’t happy with how your thigh looked in this one. Now everyone looks miserable and uncomfortable. I also want to point out, not all pictures are Facebook pictures. I rarely put my pictures on Facebook, and I will only share them with you if I want to, otherwise you’re shit out of luck. I am taking pictures to remember a moment in time, by making a retake occur your vain ass has just ruined my memory of the moment. Fuck you.

DRYERS DESTROY LIVES

2010-05-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

When I go shopping and buy a new shirt that fits absolutely perfectly, and then come home and wash it and it shrinks in the dryer. I cannot seem to get over this shit, drives me NUTS. I do not want to buy a shirt that I wear one day that feels like fucking heaven, fits me absolutely perfectly, and then the next time I grab it, it is too small or tight. Ever read the little rules inside a piece of clothing? There is so many of them, don’t wash in hot water, cold water, in a waterfall, don’t machine dry, tumble dry, hang dry, spit shine. FUCK. Give me a piece of clothing that wont shrink and can go in a washer/dryer and I don’t have to hang it over my head while I jump out of a fucking airplane to get it on. I hate ironing. It is not a skill I can seem to pick up, no matter how hard I try. My mother has tried to show me, as has my girlfriend, but I cannot do it well due to lack of patience. My shirts will still be wrinkled, and if they are not wrinkled, they will be all wet from spending way too much time trying to iron it. So instead I will just wear a wrinkled shirt, and when someone points out the fact that it’s wrinkled I will fucking scream at them about how much I hate ironing. I figure it’s validated.

DANGLING THE CARROT

2010-05-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate businesses that give their employees raises based on how long they have been working there. Yet the employer constantly wonders why they have such a high turnover rate. Why the fuck would anyone do a good job in this situation? You have given them no motivation other than passing the time and surviving to the next six months. People need the motivation. I want to know that if I work my ass off for you and make you more money by doing a good job, that I will be properly compensated for doing so. Otherwise why the hell would I want to continue the mindless job of manufacturing toilet paper for you? A twenty five cent increase in pay per six months of working is only going to motivate everyone to get another fucking job. I guess there is benefit for these employers, as people don’t stay on the job long enough to actually be making a decent wage the employer has to pay them. Yet if you had ten experienced workers who do a good job over six months as opposed to having sixty different shitty workers doing a crumby job over the same period, would you not be turning more of a profit anyways? Give those employees a decent living wage and allow them to make a career out of it, keep them motivated and they should work hard, if not, get someone new. There are people out there that are willing to work hard. If more companies would dangle the fucking carrot, we would have a more useful society.

LIFESTYLE SPECIFIC PARKING

2010-05-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

I understand handicapped access spots, these people have a physical or mental handicap that often times will hinder normal human abilities, and I get that it’s fair to give them a safer, more accessible access to normal life. Yet, expectant mother parking pisses me off. I park in these spots quite often, if it’s a spot that’s available, I figure why not.

I have had several confrontations with people about this, even a pregnant mother that wanted to yell and scream at me about it, yet she was parked two cars down from me anyways. Who the fuck do you think you are? Go ahead and call the police, there is no law disallowing me from parking here. Just a little sign that says the parking is suggested for expectant mothers. IT IS SUGGESTED. I choose to deny that suggestion, and make my own decision; it’s close to the store, so I will take it.

I don’t think it’s fair to deny me a primo parking spot because I hadn’t decided to get knocked up when I was sixteen. Getting pregnant is these people’s choice; it comes with a lot of responsibilities and issues these people will have to deal with. So yes, that’s my argument, it was their choice. No one I talk to about it ever agrees with me, and they say it’s just a courtesy thing. That’s fine, if she wants to have this spot though, she better be prepared to drive faster and more aggressively than I can, to beat me to it. Otherwise, just drive your ass around the parking lot until another close one opens up. We are all lazy assholes, I just so happen to be two spots closer to the entrance now.

INNOVATION GETS LOST IN PILES OF CASH

2010-05-12T14:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate what video games have become as an industry. I don’t understand why people continue to buy games that are entirely a huge piece of shit. As the consumers, we have the power to control the industry. This goes for the movie industry as well by the way. We can purchase the titles that are good, and then those titles that are shitty will fall on the wayside and the publishers will realize that we are not going to just be force fed shit. They will have to take a step in the right direction to try and make us happy. That’s the point; they are supposed to be entertaining us to the best of their ability. That is the entertainment industry. I fucking hate how all the latest “triple a” titles being released are just rehashes of past and present games using all the same concepts with very little that is ever new. When the big companies innovate, they generally do it in one select game mechanic while the rest of the game remains the exact same as any other, just with a slight difference. This is not good enough; they are mercilessly taking our hard earned cash, and giving us something that doesn’t have a lasting appeal like it used to. It doesn’t have the polish that it used to. The games are rushed far too fast out to market, as they try to please every consumer. I would be pleased to wait ten years for the next iteration of Half-Life, if it had as much of a revolutionary progression in gaming as BOTH of the first two titles did.

The independent developer’s scene has shown a lot of the latest innovations in gaming. Don’t get me wrong though; there are quite a few shitty indie games out there. Yet some of the best titles I’ve played in the past two years have been by a team of two guys, or a small indie development team. I must give a shout out to ‘World of Goo’ it did everything right, and efforts like this need to be supported. It focused on the most important aspect of gaming, fun. Then they built a beautiful world around their concept, and sure enough it became an unbelievable, must have title. Basically the only point I am trying to make is, don’t buy a game because you played the first three, purchase the game because it is fun, amazing, challenging, and engaging. Don’t support these half assed efforts big companies keep throwing in our face. If you are a gamer, you know exactly what games I’m talking about, whether you want to admit it or not.

INCONVENIENCE STORES

2010-05-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate when I go into a convenience store, for something convenient of course. It seems like every damned time I go in to one of these stores to grab a coffee or a pack of smokes there is some senior at the till buying five million lottery tickets. There have been times where the person has been courteous enough to let me go ahead of them, but most times they just act as if I am not there breathing heavily and angrily behind their backs. Is there not some booth or some sort of automated way of doing this? This is not convenient. Please get the fuck out of my way while I try to move on with my life. I know the speed limit for life slows down when you’re fucking old, but just like on the highway, pull into the slow lane you asshole. PLEASE!

Why the fuck do I have to be inconvenienced every time I visit a convenience store?

UNDERWEAR TROLLS

2010-05-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have always worn boxers, just plain boxers. I found them to be extremely comfortable, but within the last year or so I noticed when I’m walking a long distance and my ass/balls/thighs begin to sweat, I have tremendous chaffing. So a friend of mine suggested I switch to boxer-briefs. With the new underwear I like the lack of chaffing (well, less chaffing) and the comfort of holding the genitalia in a safe and secure location with no slapping of balls on leg. I was fine with this form of underwear until I made the genius move of picking up some more. I went for a slightly different style than my friend offered up the first time, and so with this newer underwear I had to traverse an insanely complicated maze every time I went to take a leak. The whole charade goes a little something like this.

First I undo my zipper, and then I have to travel a long journey to the left of the entrance. I will eventually reach a corner with a near one hundred and eighty degree turn. There is a troll standing in front of a bridge smoking a cigarette and leaning against a toll sign. He is a grotesque looking figure, with horrible body hair problems and a nasty cracked complexion. I know I do not have the money to pay him to get by, but I must traverse this bridge to continue my journey. So I speak to the troll, working hard to gain his trust and friendship. After some time he lets me into his house under the bridge. We have coffee, well, he drinks tea, two creams and one sugar, but we sit and drink while I listen to stories of his abusive family. It sounds as if he survived a very rough childhood. Once he finishes crying on my shoulder I lie to him and tell him that I have experienced the same kind of childhood abuses. We have a moment together where time seems to stop and we are connected as one. As he wipes the tears from his eyes he tells me that I can cross the bridge for no charge. We have an emotional goodbye as I wander across the bridge out of his sight. After I have reached the end of the line I encounter a large hole in the ground. Within the hole I can see a faint glowing deep down inside. I climb all the way down the side of the hole to reach the grail, and make the same exhausting journey back up the wall. I proceed past this point and walk all the way back up the road to where the troll resides at the corner bridge. By this point the troll has figured out that I deceived him just to get by and retrieve the treasure that he protects. Instead of confronting him and fighting him for a way by, I dress like a woman and he begins to fall in love with me. When he least expects it I smash him on the head with a giant wooden mallet knocking him unconscious. I then continue back to the surface, dragging the grail along with me the whole way protecting it from pinching or tangling. Seems like a lot of effort just to go to the bathroom, I will never make that mistake purchase ever again.

A COMPUTER TELLING ME WHAT TO DO

2010-05-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate spell check. Why does spell check want to change that phrase to ‘I fuck spell check’, ‘I am fucking spell check’ or ‘I was fucking spell check’. Those are three phrases that I cannot think of any context they could ever be used in.

Who the fuck will ever write a dirty letter about how they have been physically loving spell check; they love it from behind and love to have their hair pulled. Spell check is a fucking slut. That said, what is the difference between these little things ‘sample’ and the doubled up ones “sample”. I thought you put shit in quotes if you’re saying something in writing, but what are the other ones for. I just randomly use whichever, whenever I feel like. I could probably figure it out if I wanted to, as I am currently on a computer that has access to Google, and a variety of ways to find out what grammatical rule they fall under, but I don’t think it really fucking matters with the current degradation of our language anyways LOL LOL J/K.

ASK TREVOR

2010-05-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

I really hate when you are having a conversation with another person and they make a statement about something you decide to vocally disagree with and their response to your argument is “No, ask Trevor”. Reading that may be a little hard to understand, read it again if you need to. Honestly I fucking hate that, if I wanted to discuss this with Trevor, Bob or Sally, I would be having this argument with them. By stating that someone else believes the same false fact you do, does not make it a valid argument point. What are you getting out of using this as a fucking argument? It pisses me off! Do you not realize that you have actually made no effort at pushing your point? Your argument is stupid, and pointless. It is as useless and inane and these blog posts themselves. FUCK. This is made only worse with the even more hated statement of “Seriously, ask anybody” or “anyone”. Fuck that, it’s not happening, I am not going to go searching for answers from someone else. If you are trying to disprove my side of an argument, you have to fight facts with facts motherfucker, don’t give me bullshit theories of someone else’s thoughts.

MY SWEET CAREWALK SHOES PART.2

2010-05-04T14:00:00.000-07:00

By far the worst thing that my parent’s cheapness did to me in my grade seven year was over a birthday present. There was this beautiful girl that I was crazy about in my grade. I still remember this well because of the horrendous embarrassment I felt once I realized I had been played. She was dating another guy in my class, very cool guy; I had little to offer her in comparison. I recall asking her what she wanted for her birthday and she said that she wanted the new Oasis CD “(What’s The Story) Morning Glory,” and wondered if I would get it for her birthday. Her boyfriend was present at the time of this, so they knew they were playing me, yet I was too stupid to realize it. So obviously, being love struck as I was I said, “Yes, of course I will get you that for your birthday.” I went about trying to convince my parents that I want to get this CD for her, everyday, over and over. My parents kept insisting that it was too expensive of a gift to give her. Too expensive? Fuck that drove me insane. Yet day in and day out at school she would ask if I’m still getting her that CD for her birthday, and I would say yes. Why did I say yes? I still hoped that I would somehow convince my parents to actually help me purchase the CD. When the day of her birthday had arrived I did not have her CD. I was so fucking embarrassed. Even more so because my mom had this idea that the girl would love a bunch of Mary Kay Cosmetic products just as much as the Oasis album. Of course I brought the cosmetics to school, thinking my mom couldn’t possibly be wrong about the way to woo a lady. When I approached her at lunch time and gave her the gift of cosmetics and what not, she thanked me, kissed me on the cheek, and told me how wonderful I was. I felt incredible, and was so surprised that it turned out well. I then woke up and realized that these events had not happened and I was in the cloakroom crying like a bitch because when I gave her the gift, her and all her friends laughed at me and bitched about how I had not gotten her the CD. How I lived through that embarrassment, I don’t know. It was about this point that I decided fitting in wasn’t as important as I had originally thought.

MY SWEET CAREWALK SHOES PART.1

2010-05-03T14:02:00.000-07:00

I hated my cheap parents when I was young. Now mind you, I was from a family of six and love everything about my parents. I totally understand how difficult it must have been to raise four kids on a police officer’s salary. Yet, there are so many fucking times where not having enough money for something got me into very awkward situations.

I remember when everyone was into the fad for Doc Martins, a type of shoe that was actually quite plain looking. Everyone had them at school though; this is when I was in grade seven. I begged and pleaded for them from my parents. After tons of dramatic theatrics I had convinced them and finally I got myself a pair. I didn’t know that they actually had to be the brand name; I thought the same look was good enough. The first day I wore these shoes to school and was standing in a group of people with them on, someone noticed that I had them on. I was essentially congratulated on my new shoes and was generally accepted as part of the crowd. That is until someone noticed that they did not bear the official logo of the Doc Martin brand. He made sure to point it out to everyone until they were all laughing at me. I never wore the shoes again.

Also occurring that year was the tear-away fad. The tear-aways were actually quite a stupid idea; I do not know why I thought I required them. After some extended bitching and complaining my parents finally bought me a pair of the pants to call my own. I recall wearing them the first time and a buddy of mine said, “Hey, cool pants Adam.” I was super stoked for them at this point. Moments later someone ran by me, grabbed the pants and ripped them from my legs. There I was, standing there in my underwear. Suddenly I didn’t feel so cool. Fuck Tear-Aways and Fuck Doc Martins. What a joke that I was so interested in such stupid useless things. I think that’s about when I gave up on the attempts to wear the right clothes that everyone thought was cool. Which led to some bizarre style choices later in life. The worst situation of my parents being cheap also happened this year, and I will outline it to you tomorrow.

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK HOW READING THIS BLOG MAY IN FACT BE KILLING YOU AND RAPING YOUR FAMILY

2010-04-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate sensationalist news that tells me absurd things that are base entirely off of fluff. Mostly it’s American news that is really terrible at doing it, though Canadian news can sometimes give it a run for its money. I recall many times I have seen an American news commercial that basically tells the viewer that something nearby is killing them slowly and they should tune in at eleven o’clock to find out what it is. Fuck you news guy, why can you not tell me right now so I can avoid the death you described. What a piece of work. I think I would trust your news corporation way more if you would be up front with me, and inform me exactly what the problem is right now. That said, fuck you, fuck you and your stupid delayed death descriptions. I will use the internet and find out right now what you’re talking about. Yah, that’s right, the internet! You are going down cable news.

Also, why do all the little consumerist portions of the news have to be named dumb shit like “Tune in on Thursday as George Schick investigates whether you pay too much tax on convenience store burritos. On the next ‘Sure as Schick’” It’s just crazy that people love these little portions of the program.

It’s funny I am bitching about this kind of news as it once got my store free advertising. There was some crack head wandering by outside my store when I was out having a cigarette one day. He offered to sell a clearly stolen digital camera to some of my customers whom were also outside. I noticed the camera had newborn baby pictures on it. I asked if I could take a look at it, and sure enough there were pictures of approximately the first year of a child’s life the camera. I told him I would buy it off him, it was pricy, a whole ten or fifteen bucks, I think. I was just a little pissed considering my sister has several kids and if she lost the pictures of the first year of their lives, she’d be devastated. I proceeded to send an email to the local news station and told how I had this camera and offered for them to post one of the photos on the news to try and find the owner. Sure enough the news station called back and came down and interviewed me and did a report on the camera being stolen, and then returned a second time to interview me and the found owner of the camera. It was a very simple thing to just show a picture, and then I could send it to the station if they found the owner, or they could come pick it up at my store. The news has different ways of viewing things though. When they came and recorded me it gave me great insight into how these stories are done and now anytime I see the stories on TV I can see the exact ways they are ridiculous. For instance when the cameras came, they spent a good twenty minutes recording me on my computer acting like I was going through the pictures and re-enacting how I had acquired the camera. I did this re-enactment several times as they recorded it from different camera angles, and asked different questions. For a minute long piece of “news” it took over an hour to film. Watching it afterwards when it hit the air was amusing as all hell, knowing the fact that it was so set up and sensationalized made it absolutely hilarious.

What was I writing about before I got carried away?

The news is just a joke nowadays, it is feeding this bizarre need people have for fodder. The vast majority of it is garbage. I saw a couple news reports the other night about a threat to someone on a Facebook page, another report about a guy that twitters while watching hockey games rather than hang out with his friends, and another about Leonard Nemoy visiting a town in Alberta called Vulcan. I almost vomited when he said “I have been a Vulcan for the last 40 years, I figured it was about time to come home” and then everyone cheered. The cable stations cannot compete with the internet for news.

Honestly, I had something that I was going to try and write about here but I completely forgot. I figured if I just kept writing eventually the point would come out, yet I just dug deeper into drawn out stories and points about nothing. So fuck it, and fuck Fox News.

THE LACK OF SURPRISE STOP AND CHAT

2010-04-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

I also fucking hate running into someone and they don’t say “Hi” or ask “How’s it going?” This may seem odd since I just argued the opposite yesterday, but today's gripe only applies in certain situations. For example; if I run into one of my girlfriends good friends from high school, and I don’t want to be a dick as it will most assuredly get back to my girlfriend that I was rude. Yet when I give the hello nod, or say “Hi,” they just act like they don’t know me and keep on moving. Fuck me, why do I not have the ability to do this to people, and yet they can do it to me with no repercussions. Obviously I do not want to have a conversation, but when I snub someone it somehow always makes me seem like a prick. I make the effort, even though I have no desire to speak to you, I make the fucking effort to make another person happy by being polite. See my ass? Eat it! You fucking prick.

Also, keep in mind as you’re reading this, you are probably not one of the people I avoid; I am just pointing these situations out because the majority of the time, the person pisses me off. Don’t you worry though, it’s not you, and it’s just everyone else other than you. Me and you, you and I, we’re still bro’s.

THE SURPRISE STOP AND CHAT

2010-04-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

The chance encounter of someone you used to know, or were friends with is something I generally despise. There is this annoying-ass moment where you’re not sure if the person is going to stop and talk as you walk by each other. Then if they do stop, you’re stuck with nothing to talk about other than what have you been up to? How the hell am I supposed to fill you in on everything I have been doing in my life since we talked several years ago? So it comes down to everyone saying the same thing ‘nothing’ and so neither of you have done anything according to each other, and don’t get along well enough to stay in contact anyway, SO WHY THE FUCK DID WE STOP TO TALK? Who knows, but we did, and now we are stuck in this endless annoying conversation that can only be stopped by exchanging cell phone numbers or Facebook contacts.

This is exactly why I have an email for Facebook, but never use the damn service, as I suspect that usage of it would be as irritating as these chance encounters. I have recently just began my new strategy to deal with this situation, I will begin walking away while we are talking, as if I am in a hurry to be somewhere or do something. This is clearly untrue because I have nothing to do, and no one to go see, but they are both superior options to this ridiculously pointless existence we are currently sharing.

An example of the worst stop and talk I have had was when I was walking to the convenience store for a pack of butts. I noticed a lady that was a frequent customer of my store walking towards me with her friend. She waved at me so I waved back and made the mistake of saying “How’s it going?” and so sure enough, she stopped and I slowly came to a stop. She was asking how everything has been and said she was very sorry to hear about my father. She then proceeded to put her arms around me and embrace me uncomfortably. I had no idea what she was talking about, as my dad was perfectly fine, so she had obviously completely forgot who I was and mixed me up with someone else. Being the genius that I am, I decided that I would just act somber and say “Thank you,” and try to continue walking away to get out of the situation unscathed. Problem was, her friend immediately asked, “what happened to his father?” I knew the whole plan was going to unravel in front of me now and get very uncomfortable as I had played into her folly. At this moment I was just wishing I could have just kept walking and avoided this all together. She proceeded to tell her friend that my father had died, and that I am “Judy’s son.” The truth was that I know no Judy and have no fucking clue what she’s talking about, but I continued to play into it and not say anything. Then her friend said, “Your Judy’s son?” Now there was no way for me to avoid this without lying so I just figured I would tell the truth. I responded, “No, I’m not Judy’s son; you must have me mixed up with someone else.” Meanwhile I’m thinking what the hell are you girls talking about? I have no idea who either of you are. Apparently I thought being a clueless asshole would be a better way out of the situation. So I just walked off and got my smokes. Two days later I was returning to the store and saw that they were inside using a computer, and being the coward I am, I didn’t go inside, and waited outside for nearly an hour until they left so as to not have to confront them about it.

PAINTED SHIRTS

2010-04-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

Wolf shirts, I fucking hate them. Actually, I hate most any of those types of shirts. They could be a shirt of a wolf howling at a moon, a big Indian face with an eagle in the background flying over a dream catcher and one small tear on the Indians cheek, or two big orca whales frolicking from the front to the back of the shirt. I hate them all. There is no need for people to wear these shirts, they look absolutely ridiculous. If there is a sign that you have given up caring about your personal appearance and no longer want to be a part of our society, this is it. These kinds of shirts top even sweat pants as a separator from normal society. Generally the people wearing these shirts are all the same. They sometimes have a mullet and always have a big fat belly that they figure is covered by this glorious water painting of a shirt. When I am the ruler of the world, all of the people that are wearing these shirts will be gathered up and put in their own society. Where we, the normal people, can watch them live out their odd little lives through a series of cameras. Wait – this type of treatment sounds familiar. We could make them fight each other for food, there’s something glorious in the thought of two people with painted wolf shirts fighting over a scrap of food. Or I have just a twisted sense of entertainment.

STYLE BECAUSE THAT GUY SAID IT LOOKS COOL

2010-04-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate when women wear the half shirt cardigans. Some asshole designer is laughing his ass off somewhere, at the fact that all he did was snip a jacket to shit, and then sell it for a fortune. This bugs me as much as how people pay a fortune to dress up in the latest fad or trend, and the trend consists of looking like a fucking bum. What the hell? Are we such stupid sheep that we cannot understand this? I am no fashion statement myself, as I prefer to wear plain t-shirts and jeans. I can definitely see ugly though, when some dipshit walks past me wearing a leather jacket with sleeves torn off into a vest, and spikes on the shoulders, with patches and marker writing all over it, while wearing leopard print pants and a huge Mohawk. Who the fuck are you trying to impress? Do not try and tell me having all the stupid ass metal pieces all over your clothing is just the way you express yourself. You didn’t come up with this, someone did this in the 80’s for shock value, then other people latched onto the fad and for some reason it has remained.

This goes for the vast majority of fads, fuck you emo, fuck you scenesters, and fuck you hipsters. I am so tired of these monstrosities walking by me. Whomever the dicks are that are coming up with these ideas, you can eat shit. I am so tired of all your bullshit. Of course these all come to fruition as a purpose of finding some new way to look special and original, and usually occur in bands. Why does it matter? Who needs so desperately to be set apart from everyone else? Are you better? More unique? No, you’re not fucking special, everyone has talents, and you have just shown that one of your talents is douchebaggery.

IF YOU HAVE A HAT ON YOU ARE A CRIMINAL

2010-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate the ‘no hats and sunglasses’ rule at my bank. The bank I am speaking about is the same bank I have always had all my accounts in. I have never dealt with another bank. In the last year they initiated this ‘rule’ of not allowing people to wear hats and sunglasses while inside the branch. I obviously have not really given any stock to this rule, as I don’t really understand how it is beneficial. If some hardcore bank robber came in, with a hat and sunglasses on, do you think he will go all the way to the teller window until they tell him to take of his hat and glasses? It’s not like he is going to take them off and say “Oh shit, you caught me, I was going to try and rob you” They require ID for every transaction you make at this bank so there is absolutely no reason why I should have to be taking off my hat. Of course my sunglasses come off, I will take my sunglasses off no matter what if someone needs to see my ID, and it just makes sense because they need to see your face.

I have been asked every time I have been at my bank lately, to take off my hat. Of course grudgingly, I will take it off. It wasn’t until sometime last week that I truly understood why they make me take it off. I dress fairly well, nothing that stands out, and nothing that looks scrubby, so I feel I am fairly average in that department and they have no reason to suspect me based on clothes. I even currently have a greasy looking beard going on; it’s really not that long, and doesn’t at all change my appearance. When I was waiting in line at my bank, well I say line, but actually there was no one in front of me. There was three ladies sitting at their bank tills, and only one was currently helping a customer, the others were chit-chatting about their home lives. I waited five minutes until one of them called me over to their window. I should point out that the customer that was already being helped was a woman about the age of thirty, and she had a child with her that looked to be approximately two years old. All I needed to do that day at the bank was get eight five dollar bills in exchange for the two twenty dollar bills I had in my hand. When I got to the window to be helped, of course I am wearing my ball cap, the teller said “Excuse me sir, I have told you before we cannot serve you unless you remove your hat” I immediately looked over to the woman that was being served beside me, and she had a ball cap on also. All the tellers’ heads tilted to look over at this lady at the same time as I did, and they realized what I had already noticed. The teller woman then said to me “Well sometimes we miss some people” So why can they not tell her to take off her hat right now? What is stopping them from making the other customer feel like they are a suspected criminal? The other customer, who at the current time is being handed hundreds of dollars in cash by the other teller, is still wearing her hat.

So here I am, feeling like a piece of shit, suspected criminal, when all I wanted was a couple five dollar bills for my god damn twenties. Of course I took off my hat. I fully hope they felt my hatred towards them as I stood there waiting for my change. It just blows my mind that they are immediately calling me out as a possible criminal, when this other lady and her child could easily be criminal masterminds.

As I looked at her it was very clear to see that there were two semi automatic machine pistols sticking out of the back of the toddler’s diaper. I knew that she would reach for them when the teller ran out of cash and needed to go get more from the vault. Once the vault was opened she would grab a gun in each hand and vault over the counter, shooting the other tellers in the head, one shot each. She practiced at the gun range every weekend for a year while preparing this bank heist. Her toddler would keep watch on the front doors, and when someone got up off the floor to try and make a heroic run for it, the toddler would throw a hunting knife that would firmly stab the fleeing person in the back of the neck; killing them instantly. Then once she had all of the money she could carry, the woman and the toddler (who turned out to be a midget in disguise) would walk out the front door to their getaway car. She would start the car as the little person got the RPG out of the trunk, and shoots a rocket through the front doors, killing everyone inside and gutting the building. They would then drive away perfectly content about escaping with no problems, and living the rest of their lives on some beach in Mexico. This all would happen because the fucking teller wouldn’t ask the customer to remove her god damned hat.

DECORATIVE DISCOMFORT

2010-04-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

I hate decorative pillows. It drives me insane when I want to go sit on the couch and watch some mindless shit that’s occupying the TV airwaves nowadays, but first I have to remove fifty god damned pillows or cushions from the fucking couch. You cannot sit or lay on these cushions; they make the couch as comfortable as a lying in the folds of Oprah’s belly. The constant repositioning, tossing and turning are so maddening. Isn’t the couch enough? Isn’t the couch made to be comfortable? Isn’t the WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THE COUCH TO BE COMFORTABLE? Otherwise we would be sitting on the floor, or in a wooden chair. The guy who designed the couch, I assume his name is Arthur C. Couchentine, didn’t envision that his comfortable alternative to the floor or standard chair would be fucked up and made the opposite of its intent.

Ruining every fucking place I want to sit or lie down on is just unreasonable. Next people will be putting pillows and extra cushions on hammocks. I will fucking vomit if I ever see a pillow on a hammock. Do we want to piss off Arthur C. Couchentine? I know I don’t. While we’re on the subject, let’s not piss off Louis Albert Bedman either. When someone wants to get in bed, they shouldn’t have to play Jenga with a tower of cushions. It would be like changing an invention like the light bulb to have a sheen of black over the surface of the glass, not allowing the light to escape. Just to be cool and decorative lets paint all of our light bulbs black. Please, there is no fucking difference between these things. If we’re going to be putting uncomfortable pillows on every possible comfortable surface we may as well live in the dark. At least then we wouldn’t have to see the stupid ass pillows everywhere. That said, leaving ourselves in the dark would be bad for when zombie Couchentine, Bedman, and Edison come after us for ruining their inventions. We will never see them coming and society will be destroyed by fucking decorative cushions. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?

(To clear this up before someone complains, Thomas Edison did not in fact invent the light bulb, it was invented some seventy years previous to Edison’s modern light bulb. The actual inventor of the light bulb was Humphrey Davy. Oh and while I’m clearing up facts; Arthur C. Couchentine, Jesus Christ, and Louis Albert Bedman don’t exist, sorry. THE MORE YOU KNOW!!!)

FLIES NIGHTTIME FLYBY

2010-04-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

One thing that I think everyone in the world can agree with my hatred for is when you are sleeping and completely comfortable, and then out of nowhere you hear “buzzzzzzzzzz” past your ear. Now I don’t know about everyone else, but there is no way I can sleep once this happens. Just knowing that there is some bug flying around inside my room while I sleep makes me unable to do so. I just think that it’s going to land on me, go in my mouth, or just fly by my fucking ear again. Something about that slight buzzing noise, with the little bit of a tickle is so unsettling and disturbing. This is the main reason I feel bad for those poor people in third world countries, they deal with this shit all the time. (ok, ok, even I realize this is a little harsh)

I’ll bet the stupid little fly is hanging out with a mosquito and a spider on the wall across my room. They are just lazing about and having a conversation about how RAID is becoming more effective these days. When out of nowhere the fly says “Hey guys, watch me completely ruin this assholes evening by flying by his FUCKING EAR while he’s trying to sleep” The mosquito and the spider obviously doubt the fact that the fly has enough balls to pull it off. The mosquito says “Sure Bill” (the fly’s name is bill by the way) “You couldn’t even watch the last time I sucked someone’s blood, there’s no way you will fly that close to his ear” Bill replies “Oh yah?” and takes off like a bat out of hell. He soars through the air in the direction of my ear. Bill’s legs start to shake like grass in a powerful wind as he approaches closer to the great ear. Side note; it is a great ear, because it is attached to me. The fear grips Bill as the reality of the daredevil tactic he is about to perform sets in. Before he knows it, he’s flying past the ear. Of course, this pisses me off and I start waving my arms frantically trying to smack Bill out of the air, unaware of the small fly’s apparent humanity. Bill proceeds to fly back where his friends are hanging out on the wall. The spider and mosquito are cheering loudly and Bill has a huge smile on his face, as I am still in the background turning on the light and looking for whatever just flew past my ear. The mosquito apologizes to Bill for doubting him, and Bill says “That was a rush, let’s get out of here” The spider says “Let’s go find a caterpillar to rape” So off they go, to find a caterpillar to rape. The moral of this story, spiders, mosquitoes, and flies are horrible people that like to rape helpless caterpillars.

HEY LOOK AT ME, I SMOKE POT!

2010-04-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate when people advertise the fact that they smoke weed. Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with smoking pot, as I was a pot smoker for nearly ten years. Five of those years were very heavy use, too heavy. Some people can handle the effects it has on them over the long term; I am not one of those people, so I chose to stop. That doesn’t mean that I have an issue with people that smoke it, I just choose not to.

I do on the other hand have a problem with the assholes that wander around with marijuana leaves on their shirts, hats, pants, or any other related shit. We don’t care that you smoke weed, we live in Vancouver, we understand people love their weed and hookers, get over it you poser. More often than not, the people that are wearing this advertising clothing are douche bags that make the progression of the marijuana legalization process take even longer. They think that if they go and smoke weed in people’s faces, and cause problems at rallies that weed will be legalized. WRONG. People do not like these idiots; they make the drug look very primitive and dirty. These people that speak at these rallies are not informed, and think that getting arrested for drug possession is good for their cause. You’re breaking a law and that makes you a criminal not a weed hero. You fucking idiots need to learn that when you’re stoned, you sound like a moron and need to be able to clearly give your point rather than be intoxicated while doing so. Are you saying you should be allowed to be stoned all the time? Is that what you want? Even with alcohol there are restrictions in place to prevent people from being drunk all the time. Do you think the people that wanted prohibition to stop were pissed drunk when they were advocating the use of alcohol? Well I guess some probably were, but it didn’t help their cause.

Marijuana is a drug, and as a drug, it should have its use regulated in the same respects as alcohol. Stop trying to tell me that it has no side effects, and is perfectly safe, and stop being completely intoxicated while trying to promote it; you are only hurting your cause.

From my research, I suspect that legalization seems to be a pretty good idea, and would really hit the organized crime world hard. There is also so many uses for hemp based products that could and would be more economic and eco friendly than what we currently do. I don’t necessarily agree with even alcohol consumption anymore, but I would rather weed be legal, than have people dying for it.

I just saw a guy walking down the street with a hat on that says ‘I love Jesus’ wearing really ratty clothing and he was putting flyers on only the nicest cars that were parked along the street. Apparently his god has no interest in poor people. This qualifies in the same category because there is no reason I am going to listen to an argument from this guy about why god exists. The biggest advocates for everyone’s religions always seem to be the craziest assholes in town. Another example is when some whiskey-dipped-hillbilly-fuck from southern Alabama is trying to convince others that aliens abducted him and they are coming for all of us.

No one is going to believe what you say, or support your cause, no matter how sane or insane it is, unless you are an intelligent respectable person and can make a point clearly while backing it with facts and not pausing half-way through to pick a pretty flower.

DROP YOUR PANTS AND COUGH

2010-04-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I really hate having to show the doctor my penis. It’s just an uncomfortable experience having to pull your penis out for someone to take a look at and examine. A while back I hurt one of my testicles while taking part in a frequent activity that I enjoy and the pain lasted for two days. so I figured I should go see a doctor. I really hate having to go to the doctor’s office, and their chairs really aren’t that comfortable. So I definitely wasn’t exactly relaxed when I was sitting in the big room with all the other patients and their ailments. When I finally got moved into the little room to wait for the doctor, the nurse asked me what I needed to see the doctor for. Of course I lied, considering that it would be extremely awkward talking to the doctor already, let alone the female nurse. It’s as if I figured once I tell her that I hurt my testicle she would leave the room and go and gossip about it with the other patients. I just wound up claiming that I had hurt my back during work that day and she wrote that on her little chart, and left the room. When the doctor arrived in the room he asked me about my back, and I said “Well actually I lied to the nurse, I am having a little problem down there” The doctor was not happy about this and actually bitched at me for lying to the nurse. Either way, he eventually told me to drop my pants so he could take a look. Me, being the genius that I am, I decided that while the doctor was on his knees with my testicles in his hands, I would make a smart-ass comment that I thought was funny. I said “Well, this is MY first gay experience” He looked up at me with a very awkward and confused look on his face as his hand continued to examine me. This stare seemed to last forever. Think about the most awkward situation you have ever been in, and then think about that same situation with the other person involved on their knees holding your testicles. He told me I needed to get an ultrasound; no words were really spoken past this.

I got to the ultrasound place shortly after leaving the doctors, and got into my private curtained closet to change into a gown. While I was sitting there uncomfortably in the gown a doctor opened the curtain and told me that there were some students visiting from a local university today. He asked if it was ok if they sat in on the examination. I figured there was no way this was going to get any more uncomfortable, so by all means send everyone in the room.

I finally got to the ultrasound room and came to the realization of what was going to happen. There were at least six or seven people standing in the room, plus the doctor and I. I was told I had to lie on my back on this cold table, and flip up my gown, so I was nude from the waist down. It’s pretty awkward to do when you have an audience watching, or period. The doctor explained how the procedure would work, he told me that he would be putting the little machine on my testicles, and the machine would have some warm gel on it. He also told me to hold my penis straight against my stomach with my thumb. Let me be clear here, I don’t want to give you the impression that rubbing a heated machine over my testicles with a warm gel in front of a group of people felt good, but it kind of did feel good. I was terrified of what could happen if I thought too much into the fact that it was feeling good, especially because one of the students in the room was a very attractive girl. How would I deal with it if I got aroused? Does this happen to other people? Is it really cold in here? All these questions were flying through my head so I just closed my eyes and focused on all the things I find most unattractive in life. Fat chicks… baseball… fat chicks playing baseball. I have probably already listed some of them in here. Eventually it was over, and I had to clean off the gel stuff off from my testicles. I felt like a dirty used hooker when I left that office, and of course I had to walk by each and every person that was in the examination room on my way out. Sometimes I wake up screaming.

BIGGEST HOAX LIKE EVAR!

2010-04-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate ignorant people that say the moon landing didn’t happen. All the dumbass theories people have about the moon landing being faked have been debunked by actual science and fact. Yet people still retain their doubt as to whether it happened or not. Do you not think that if the Americans pulled off a great hoax such as this, that the Russians would not have made a big deal about it, and investigated it and revealed the truth by now? You cannot cover up something so big, that the world watched all at the same time. There is just no way that something as important as the race between Russia and the USA to put a man on the moon, could possibly have been faked and gotten away with at that point in time. Russia isn’t stupid, and by saying that the Americans faked the moon landing, you are saying that Russians are stupid. You fucking racist.

Unless maybe the Russians were paid off not to say anything. Or maybe the aliens that landed in Roswell escaped the area 51 facility and went through with their master plan of replacing all of our powerful world leaders with aliens in human bodies. The whole thing was a big hoax that everyone was in on, except for me and you. The whole plan was masterminded by the most important alien member on earth whom has been an alien all along. THE QUEEN! That being said, the sad sacks that are saying the moon landing was faked are the same people that believe other obscure conspiracy theories. Examples include, but are not limited to; contrails from planes are actually chem-trails that the government uses to make us sick, thus making everyone require buying medicine to get better from said chemicals which in turn makes the pharmaceutical companies money, and in the end of the chain helps the government. How about the ‘9-11 was an inside job’ bullshit? Hell, even Jesus (a fictional character) had sex with a prostitute and has a bloodline that leads up until today. Apparently sex scandals with today’s Hollywood stars just aren’t enough to quench our thirsts for dishonesty and depravity.

This is an open invitation to anyone that believes any of these wild and ridiculous theories to shut the fuck up and go back to your turtle hunting followed by an incestuous orgy in the name of your god.

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

2010-04-15T14:00:00.001-07:00

War is one of the craziest, most pointless, and tragically ignorant events that ever occurs, especially modern wars. Are we not intelligent enough yet? Do we have to kill a shit ton of people to prove our strength? I just cannot comprehend any purpose behind war, maybe because I’m not one of the many people making millions off of it. I’m sure there were different purposes for wars in the past, but all in all it’s about wealth, power and religion. Each of these factors brings all kinds of envy, jealousy, and hatred with them. It is even more ludicrous that the people dying in these modern wars have absolutely no stake in them.

This is my idea behind how wars occur. You become convinced that your government’s bullshit is the real deal and you are raised your whole life listening to it. You will eventually begin to love the smell, taste and sight of bullshit. If not loving it, you will at least become accustomed to it, and feel threatened when someone is trying to clean it up. Meanwhile on the other side of the world, there is another government, and another group of people, but instead of raising their society on bullshit, they have chosen horseshit. They do the same stuff, live the same lives, but instead it’s all filled with horseshit. Eventually one of the leaders of either the horseshit or bullshit clans, decides that they think the other societies shit stinks worse and use their respective shit to make everyone in their society agree with them. Then millions of people get in on the argument, and there are all sorts of hatreds brewing about what shit smells worse, whose shit makes a bigger mess. Then a war breaks out. People die, lots of people die, and nothing really ever gets resolved in the end. Both societies just return to producing more bullshit or horseshit, and continue living and waiting for the next conflict. It is as if the societies completely forget about how it was the shit, the horseshit or the bullshit, that cause these wars and will cause future conflicts. If only everyone would realize that this other society’s horseshit may come from a different place, sounds and looks different than our own bullshit, it is still essentially the same thing, shit. We need to stop allowing ourselves to be force-fed this crap, as it’s not good for our stomachs, brains, or society. If we do continue this path, and continue to digest this shit, we will eventually enter what will be called the shit storm. If that does happen, something will hit the fan, something that’s going to make an awful mess.

THE FIRST KISS

2010-04-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

I remember the moment of dread inside myself when the truth or dare game that I so wanted to be a part of, reared its ugly head at me. Here was this monstrosity leaning in towards me, baring her lips as if she were going to envelop my head completely. Of course being a coward to social pressure I had to follow through with this kiss that was about to happen. There was still a chance that if I didn’t ruin the game I could kiss the girl that I actually wanted to. She was the girl of my dreams for the day. The best thing for me to do at the time was just pretend that the ogre I was about to kiss was in fact the cute girl in the summer dress that I truly wanted. In I went, slowly leaning in towards her as she approached me at the same cautionary speed. Her eyes were closed; mine were open so wide they were filling with tears. I was taking in everything, the crowd of people around us, the girls waiting to scream, and the guys all waiting to congratulate me on my momentous score. The weather was perfect on this day; the grass we were sitting on was just the right length to be comfortable. The wind touched my hair softly and the sun shone upon my face. This was bound to be a beautifully tragic moment. I pressed my lips firmly on hers, making a seal that would pickle our tongues. The moment our lips stuck together and I could feel the flakes of skin, not unlike fish scales, touching my lips from hers, I felt a stroke of nausea come on. The surrounding people ready to judge and mock every aspect of whether I was doing this correctly. When our lips separated I could feel the chapped skin from her lips rip off and stick to my own as a bridge of saliva hung on for dear life between our mouths. Everyone started hooting and hollering all around us as I picked dead skin from my lips and thought to myself ‘This is the magical first kiss story that TV and movies have told me so much about?’ Fuck that. Immediately after this debacle our game of truth or dare was broken up by a parent, so I never got to kiss the pretty girl. I was going back to the drawing board as this clearly was not the way to get the kisses I wanted.

I used to have this giant life-size plush Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle; it was awesome, about four feet tall, had all the detailed features of the actual ninja turtles, and was all mine. The turtle kept me in bed late at night because his shadow in my room appeared as if someone had snuck in and was lurking around at the end of my bed. This is the very reason I hid under my covers most of my younger years. There are only so many imaginary battles me and this turtle could have, so instead of fighting ninjas with Raphael, I used to practice kissing him. All the time. I would kiss him, slip him the tongue, I wouldn’t be surprised if I humped him. I figured this molestation of the ninja turtle would in some way help me for when the time arose that I would be kissing a real girl. It never really occurred to me that Raphael was neither real, a girl, nor even a human being. It wasn’t exactly pleasant to practice kissing with Raphael, as every time I would have to pull out little bundles of green fuzz from my mouth. Either way, that turtle was a whore. I’m not sure whether in the end it actually helped my kissing ability in any way, but I definitely get a strange feeling every time I watch the teenage mutant ninja turtles.

LINES, LINES, EVERYWHERE A LINE

2010-04-13T14:00:00.001-07:00

I have an extreme dislike for lines. Everywhere I go I have to wait in fucking lines; lines at the gas station, lines at the movies, even lines for other lines. Of course there are times you must wait in a line, but far too many times I am standing in line at a business, and they have twenty stations to serve customers but only two are open, with fifteen people waiting on each of them. I can clearly see other employees wandering around, why the hell can one of them not take it upon themselves to open a till and try and take care of the business at hand? They can shortly get back to what they are doing and by doing so will make the customers happy and willing to visit again. The exact same thing happens at so many other places; the banks, coffee shops, and electronics stores to name a few examples. Standing in line just makes me wonder why the fuck I am waiting in a god damned line to spend my money on something that is probably not a necessity anyways. At least at Disney Land they make the lines fun, where things are happening all around you, and there is all sorts of interesting things to look at and interact with. I constantly wonder why life isn’t more like Disney Land.

I’ve even had fun in crazy lines, for instance the lineup waiting for the Nintendo Wii the first day it came out. Of course I am standing in this line with a shit ton of parents and children, but it was still entertaining. There were some customers from my store in the line and everyone else waiting was there for the same reason, so naturally everyone got to talking about videogames. I remember I said something very awkward, that I regret to this day. Keep in mind, I was the only guy in this lineup over the age of twenty, everyone else was either children or the children’s parents, who were standing outside the line keeping an eye on them. Everyone was talking about how great the Wii is going to be and telling one another they should come over to each other’s houses and what not to play the new games. This of course would be the thing to be talking about, and there is nothing strange about kids inviting each other over to one another’s houses. I figured now was a good time to advertise my store, which offered videogames for people to play. Instead of saying something that explained my situation and how I owned a gaming centre, I blurted out, “Hey, you guys should all come over to my place and play videogames with me.” Everything quieted down, and the kids looked at me confused like I was a stranger offering them candy, and the parents looked at me with anger spread across their faces. I tried to explain myself and that I owned a videogame store, but at this point I just looked like a molester, so I would never ever see any of these kids as a customer anyway.

Luckily as it hit this state of advanced awkwardness, some security guard came to tell us they would be opening the doors in one minute. Thank god, one minute was not enough time for the parents to kill me. When the security guard unlocked the door, he didn’t even have time to open it before it was pushed upon him. The sheer weight of all the kids pushing against the door knocked him flat on his ass. Before he had fallen over and was fighting to keep the door closed I noticed one of my customers weasel in under the security guards arm and start running towards the nearest store. There were four other entrances to this mall, and all were opening at the same time with hundreds of people looking for the Wii, so of course everyone decided running was the best bet. I kept saying to myself that there was no reason to run; it’s just a game system. Yet the moment that security guard was thrown to the ground, it’s as if it symbolized all law and decency being disregarded. I don’t know what came over me but my legs began to move faster than they had in years. I ran like a pro, jumping over fallen people, planters and benches, maneuvering as if I were dodging bullets. I moved on past the people who had gotten ahead of me like I was some sort of track star. I took my first left and began running towards the handicap access ramp, so I didn’t have to slow down for the stairs. The kid that was catching me was nearly right beside me, and I guess he decided he wanted to try and pass me on the stairs while I moseyed up the ramp. Poor move kid. The problem was that he ran up the stairs as if he were going up the ramp. This means he didn’t lift his feet, hit the first stair, and bailed face first into the top stair. It all happened in slow motion as I looked over while running and noticed him falling with his mouth open about to bite the stairs. This all played out in my head to some shitty trance music as if it were a terrible YouTube video. In simpler times I would have stopped to make sure he was ok, but the stakes were too high and I had to keep running. Eventually I arrived at the store, and to my disappointment there was another fucking line. I then had to wait another hour and thirty minutes surrounded by a bunch of angry parents, a bleeding kid, and kids that all thought I was a molester. It was well worth it, I enjoyed that Nintendo system. Anyways, I fucking hate emo music, or whatever I was talking about.

Privacy Policy

2010-01-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

The privacy of our visitors to nickervision.blogspot.com is important to us.

At nickervision.blogspot.com, we recognize that privacy of your personal information is important. Below is information on what types of personal information we receive and collect when you use and visit omensblog.blogspot.com, and how we safeguard your information. We will never sell your personal information to third parties.

Log Files

As with most other websites, we collect and use the data contained in log files. The information in the log files include your IP (internet protocol) address, your ISP (internet service provider, such as AOL), the browser you used to visit our site (such as Internet Explorer or Firefox), the time you visited our site and which pages you visited throughout our site.

Cookies and Web Beacons

We do use cookies to store information, such as your personal preferences when you visit our site. This could include only showing you a popup once in your visit, or the ability to login to some of our features, such as forums.

We also use third party advertisements on omensblog.blogspot.com to support our site. Some of these advertisers may use technology such as cookies and web beacons when they advertise on our site, which will also send these advertisers (such as Google through the Google AdSense program) information including your IP address, your ISP , the browser you used to visit our site, and in some cases, whether you have Flash installed. This is generally used for geotargeting purposes (showing New York real estate ads to someone in New York, for example) or showing certain ads based on specific sites visited (such as showing cooking ads to someone who frequents cooking sites).

DoubleClick DART Cookies

We also may use DART cookies for ad serving through Google’s DoubleClick, which places a cookie on your computer when you are browsing the web and visit a site using DoubleClick advertising (including some Google AdSense advertisements). This cookie is used to serve ads specific to you and your interests (”interest based targeting”). The ads served will be targeted based on your previous browsing history (For example, if you have been viewing sites about visiting Las Vegas, you may see Las Vegas hotel advertisements when viewing a non-related site, such as on a site about hockey). DART uses “non personally identifiable information”. It does NOT track personal information about you, such as your name, email address, physical address, telephone number, social security numbers, bank account numbers or credit card numbers. You can opt-out of this ad serving on all sites using this advertising by visiting http://www.doubleclick.com/privacy/dart_adserving.aspx

You can choose to disable or selectively turn off our cookies or third-party cookies in your browser settings, or by managing preferences in programs such as Norton Internet Security. However, this can affect how you are able to interact with our site as well as other websites. This could include the inability to login to services or programs, such as logging into forums or accounts.

Deleting cookies does not mean you are permanently opted out of any advertising program. Unless you have settings that disallow cookies, the next time you visit a site running the advertisements, a new cookie will be added.